Disillusioned and Dazed...

Its been more than an year of Physics and I can say with all certainity that I'm totally dazed by all that I've come to know. To be honest, its been a repeat of most of what was done in school, but in the new perspective to it all has left me stumped. I went to Mumbai (HBSCE) for the summer as part of the NIUS program for undergraduate first years, and I got to learn a lot more than what I'd thought I'd gather. Unfortunately I didn't get selected for the two-year program and I'm very sad about it. I'm writing all of his down to make it clear to you that whatever is going to follow isn't because of the regret letter from HBSCE, but more because of what I've seen and come to know after an year.

Here's the deal - I don't think I'll be able to contribute to Physics as I would have loved to. My dream (dream... sigh) of being the Gauss of Physics is going to be just that...a dream. At my age, Gauss was busy writing a book, creating the foundations of new branches of mathematics. What am I doing? Hm...
Even if I say that I can contribute a lot, without actually  matching up to Gauss, that isn't much of a consolation because I don't want to be one among the many million (able) people working to advance science. I want to be the best. Again, there's a question of personal satisfaction - satisfaction that comes with knowing how the world works. But then for me, knowing it and probably teaching it to others wouldn't quite satisfy me unless I can contribute in meaningful way. Which brings me to my second paragraph.

I would rather be serving my country and creating a base for science so that the right talent for the development of Science comes up, and research as an option picks up to attract the best minds of the country. I'd devote my life to getting the brilliant people of the country into labs rather than selling soap, as my teachers would say. And so i'll drop it finally - I think I'll prepare for the Civil Services. I find myself better suited to a life that I can see a clear purpose of. Of course, I could complete my B.Sc, then M.Sc, then PhD and then teach. But I want to reach out to a much bigger audience. And there is this path that seems ideal for this. The thought has been nibbling my mind since the end of the summers. Since I saw how comfortable the life of scientists is (even mediocre ones') but how little they contribute on a larger scale. I'd like to define larger scale as I'd see it - either make a momentous discovery that changes the course of science, or make a momentous effort that changes the course of the people, city, state, country, or/and the world.

I have no qualms in saying that i've become disillusioned about what I can do with the Physics I'm learning. Can't work in a cubicle, ever. Can't sit and teach. What's left? Maybe work for the people. Starting preparations from the 20th. (I'm moving to a new place on the 20th, living alone). Wish me luck and do comment. Thanks. Namaste.

PS : Physics is a lot of fun in college. :) I love Physics.